Sniffin’ Warrioress
A One-Act Play
by
Gwen
SCENE: An imaginary encounter between BOADICEA THE VICTORIOUS and GWEN
CHARACTERS:
BOADICEA THE VICTORIOUS, Queen of the Iceni, rebel, destroyer of Camulodunum and Londinium, heroic symbol of Britain. Cassius Dio describes her as “ …very tall, in appearance most terrifying, in the glance of her eye most fierce, and her voice was harsh; a great mass of the tawniest hair fell to her hips…” Born: Birthdate unkown. Died: 60 or 61 AD.
GWEN – lollygagger and perfumista, described by friends as “a swell gal”.
Born: She’s not telling and nobody had better say anything either. Died: She’s still kicking.
SETTING:
The virtual head office of perfumniche.com. A cozy, book lined room, with two wing chairs on either side of a fireplace - a small table, each with a lamp, is by each chair. A perfumer’s organ is on one wall and a well-stocked wet bar is opposite the entrance to the room.
TIME:
The present
As the lights rise, GWEN is sitting comfortably in one of the wing chairs. She is wearing the fashionable clothes of the moment. She is sipping a cool, crisp glass of prosecco. The doorbell rings. GWEN gets up and answers it.
GWEN:
Oh, Hi Vicky. I wasn’t expecting to see you tonight.
(BOADICEA THE VICTORIOUS is standing at the door. She is wearing the fashionable warrioress garb of her time. They look at each other for a moment).
GWEN:
What a coincidence – Kay was just talking about you the other day. Come in, come in. Welcome to perfumeniche.com.
BOADICEA THE VICTORIOUS
Thank you. Yes, I was just in the neighbourhood. Is Kay here as well?
(BOADICEA THE VICTORIOUS steps into the room. GWEN follows her in).
GWEN:
Kay isn’t here tonight. You look exhausted, why don’t you take the big chair by the fire, you big-boned girls need a chair with upholstery.
(BOADICEA THE VICTORIOUS sits down in the wing chair and looks around the room.)
BOADICEA THE VICTORIOUS:
Wow! This place is amazing! You two really know who to put a room together.
GWEN:
Thanks Vicky.Yeah, you can learn a lot from HGTV. Something to drink?
BOADICEA THE VICTORIOUS:
Yes please. Scotch - no water, no ice.
GWEN:
Right – scotch, no water, no ice.
(Gwen crosses the room to the bar and pours BOADICEA THE VICTORIOUS a scotch. She hands it to her. BOADICEA THE VICTORIOUS knocks it back, and then looks at Gwen with her fierce blue eyes, through a tangle of wild red hair).
GWEN:
So, how are things back home?
BOADICEA THE VICTORIOUS:
Same old battles. How are things going with perfumeniche.com?
GWEN:
Oh us, yeah, we’re all good here, just sniffin’ around as usual. Speaking of which, you smell divine. Well of course, you would, you’re a queen, but it’s more than blue blood I’m picking up.
(GWEN approaches and BOADICEA THE VICTORIOUS and sniffs her.)
GWEN:
Right off the top, I’m getting bergamot and citrus spice to start with and then, wait, there’s a lovely warm spiciness from clove and some other spices I can’t really place…oh, is that rose? Just a soft shy note? Lovely.
(GWEN keeps sniffing BOADICEA THE VICTORIOUS, lifting her arms, smelling them, then moving in to smell her head and hair).
GWEN:
There’s a lovely woody note from cedar and a raw, animalic leather note there too, oh this is good! But wait, ahh, here it is - opopanax. Bittery, incensey, balsamy opopanax!
(BOADICEA THE VICTORIOUS nods vigorously while GWEN falls back in her chair, her eyes rolled back into her head).
GWEN:
Wow! You smell of anointing oils and resins, plants and trees, animals, human animals. You smell of the raw, sweaty, urgent scent of battle, which is not unlike the raw, sweaty, urgent scent of sex.
BOADICEA THE VICTORIOUS:
Do you like it?
GWEN:
I love it – big-boned, earthy and regal, just like you. You know if they could put that smell in a bottle…
BOADICEA THE VICTORIOUS:
Michael Boadi already has - it's called Warrioress - and you can only get it at Selfridge’s in London. I have an idea. Let’s have another drink, smear on some of that blue wode, and watch Braveheart.
GWEN:
OK, but just once tonight….
(GWEN walks to the bar to get more drinks. BOADICEA THE VICTORIOUS searches her bag for the wode.)
Lights fade and the curtain goes down.
Warrioress is listed in our Decant Store. Decants are $6.00 for 1 ml.
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Slayin'
That, my friend, is hilarious! I hope this is the first in a series of interviews with the 'fumes!
Re: Slayin'
Thank you for the feedback on the interview with Boadicea the Victorious. We'd like to do more interviews with perfumes in the future, if we can get their co-operation. Woody scents can be a bit stiff, florals are skittish and ouds, well, we all know what they're like! Still, if a good fragrance presents itself, we'll certainly make every effort to get it to talk.